I was unable to sleep. Had a dream of copulating with my wife for a very long time. Yes the dream was enjoyable as I was able to give my wife many orgasms. Its exam time here and I have started marking English scripts. It’s sheer existential boredom as the scripts were littered with grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. I corrected a few but grew bored by the process and the rest I just put red-lines underneath. I wonder how I can impart the mastery of my language to kids. The new generation kids are prone to selfies, LOL’s and U’s. But when it comes to plain writing of English they end up being disastrous monsters.
I am thinking of Ahriman, the demon in Zoroastrian religion and Rudolf Steiner’s depiction of him. I have developed a soft corner in my heart for him.
It is the beginning of Onam festival and women have started wearing (SETTU) Sarees, sarees white with gold borders. They look so ravishing in it. While correcting, reading or writing, I tend to smoke a lot of cigarettes. My lover has invited me to her apartment on Sunday and I am very excited. Saw black cat ambling down the school ground. I thought maybe its good luck.
. I carry the 1$ Bill in my purse as talisman. The Masonic inscription of the All Seeing Eye and the Unfinished Pyramid is awesome in symbolic meaning. I am in need of some money about three lakh rupees to pay my employees before the school closes for Onam. May be with Ahriman’s help, I can win a lottery tomorrow. Morning was boring but afternoon soared my spirits with my lover’s message.
It’s prejudice among South East Asians to accept Native Speakers to teach English. They might not even have the requisite qualifications but still they are preferred. Whites’ form a privileged term and colored and blacks are marginalized. While during an interview in Hong Kong I was asked about my teaching experiences. After uttering a sentence, I was dismissed. Before the interview they had promised to reimburse the airfare. But to my consternation they did not! I lost a lot of money and ended up home penny less. I do not have any regrets but Asians fail to recognize Asian talent. I was hoping to my heart that the panel would ask me questions on Literature and English. But my hopes sank. At least those bastards could have paid me back my airfare.
I have insomnia and when I do not take sleeping pills, I go into a dream state. Yesterday, the whole night I was dreaming. I am able to recount only one of my dreams. I was driving a minivan to buy cigarettes and I crossed a bridge and after that I was driving on and on through a lush paddy field. I woke up without reaching the destination. I can’t find a single dream book which carries multiple interpretations. What does the dream signify? Do the bridge and the lush green paddy field signify new positive beginnings? Is a Freudian interpretation of anxiety in the unconscious a right one or is the dream a detour from the realities of life? Freud calls it as condensation and displacement. I don’t trust my unconscious with Freud. Am I authenticating my life in the existential Sartre’s- way?
I desire to be a Writer…alas, I am a wog, and with writing, I am ashamed, offended; I sometimes feel that I can’t reveal my true self… There are many writers of Indian origin whose parents were indentured in the Colonies where the Sun never used to Set. I don’t have a colonial pedigree of English. My English is purely Indian and non-native. Will that be a disadvantage for my writing, I don’t know! It is said that travel enhances a writer’s instinct. A writer has to taste, smell, feel and touch people, places and cultures. I long to travel but I can’t! I pride myself in being a WOG ( an offensive term for a nonwhite). I write in Wog-English. I do not have a decolonized migrant experience which Indian writers like Rushdie have. Once a white woman, (a good natured, pleasant soul) offered me the money to sponsor my trip to the UK. She was the only soul apart from a Filipino woman who recognized that I could write. I was outright denied visa by a prejudiced white at the UK consulate. He gave me a curt reply (Good Day). He portrayed me as a bastard of the land where the Sun used to never set. Why? I am not a terrorist! Why was so he so adamantly arrogant? I have very few likes and my books that have been sold are sparse. Does that spoil my determination to be Writer? No, never at all! I don’t aspire for commercial success. As a writer, I am not committed to either myself or to others. I am a free-bird of writing.
The monsoon has begun like a blossomed flower. Rivulets are breaking down in the road and flowing melodiously. School has reopened and kids go to the school with raincoats and umbrellas. The backwaters of Kerala are serene with drenched storks idling on trees. The paddy fields are drenched and soaked. Frogs have started croaking. Heard a child reading Indian History of the 18th century, the Revolt of 1857.The revolt of 1857 started as a military upsurge against the British which became a mass movement. The child was reading the causes of the result. I was startled to realize that some of the causes that caused the revolt were in fact positive. One was spread of English Education in India and the other was the abolition of SATI a practice that required a woman to burn herself in the funeral pyre if her husband died. Another cause was the allowance made for widow remarriage. If India was not colonized, India would have still remained a backward country. The positive impacts of British rule need a rewriting of Indian Historiography. Cobwebs swim lazily against the wall. I am greeted by the musty odor of paint. I am reading a book on Indian Philosophy and I want to write my reflections on it. I am particularly fond of the Caravaka School which denied the existence of God and emphasized the pursuit of materialism. Indian philosophy was quite advanced at a point of time but by the 18th century it declined.
She came to my office for getting a favor done. She is a teacher in a government school and will lose her job as there are fewer students. She asked me to give three Transfer Certificates which she said will be returned back. I felt like asking her to sleep with me for the favor. I would have done so but the Chief Administrator above me refused her request. I would have willingly obliged. Yes, I am very morally weak and get drawn easily to women. It’s something sinful, I know. I ask God for repentance. But I really can’t help it.
This was a poem that seventh graders had to study. The poem had a caricature of a witch with a hideous face ready for the diabolic. The ideology of a witch as a feminine gender construct remains like old wine in new bottles. I began a dialogue with students and asked them what a witch was? They said she is an evil person who does wicked spells. Then I told them that this was the view of the Middle Ages and I also told them that many women were burnt alive for the sorry fault of being witches. In a post modern society the view of a witch as masculine construct of logo-centric thought with fetish of being misogynist is replaced with the paradigm of showing kindness and empathy. Gender constructs are rapidly changing as post-structural societies decay the fecundity of masculine representations to a gynecological ethnocracies. The text brought out by Oxford publishers is antiquated and showing a conceptuality of a witch as ugly, menacing and incongruous.