August 2nd

Today was a miniature canvass. I was able to sleep well thanks to God Jehovah Jesus. I woke up from sleep listening to the chirps and tweets of birds. I thank God I am that I am alive. These days I am having no dreams and I wonder why? I took a few classes to a group of disinterested children. I am tired and bored with teaching. With children I have no chance to exhibit literary theories. And I suffocate from the fact that my sending of resumes has been altogether unsuccessful. The only art that keeps me alive is blogging. Now it’s evening and the sky is an impressionist canvas. The sky is adorned with a pleasant sunny face. I have been wanting God to cast a miracle in my life but nothing of that sort is happening. I am short of finances and I get enough only to by daily packets of cigarettes. I miss the clove cigarettes of Indonesia. I have a poet’s heart and I am can’t accept the realities in my own life. I wish that life will be fairy tale of becoming. Professionally speaking I am in a rut with no chance to progress. I have no pay check waiting for me. I am 49 now and I realize that I am failure in life. Two days back I had a get-together with my school mates. We had lunch and talked about the good all school days. All of them are in the Middle East and are well settled. I was overcome with self hatred and self pity. I don’t have a penny as bank balance. I depend on my mother and wife for daily needs. The only thing that I love to do is I love to write. Writing is the passion of the heart. Writing is a necessity for nourish the soul to a wealth of meaning. Writing is the art of the repressed. All genres of writing in the present zeitgeist have been exhausted. Physically I feel I am in a prison in this small village of Kerala called Kurianoor. I want to visit places, interact with people, write travelogues and be at peace with myself. I am filled with wander lust and I want to be global vagabond. I feel so exhausted and tired of being a teacher. I have reached the end of the rope. When will real freedom become a reality for me? When can I nirvana to places. Yes, I long to have exotic food. Is reality an ambiguity? Is it a serpent that is out to fang me? Is it scorpion out to sting me? I hope happier days will come into my life. Life has to be realization of desire. Our desires are gems of the world. How can I look at a God who does not answer prayers? I feel disappointed but still I have not lost hope in him. I continue to honor and trust him.