Journal

I had a couple of fragmented dreams, where I am seeing myself write my bachelor’s in English exam again. I could also see a woman my neighbor’s wife sitting beside me. I can’t really interpret the dream. The morning was a silent one. I watched lovely birds caressing the red sky. I asked the cosmos to grant me luck but she did not yield to me. I am a body living the life of a poem. I had refreshing mom’s coffee and I smoked a couple of fags in the morning. I don’t have the money to go and meet my significant others who is so far away in Ghana. Why is fairy Godmother not granting me my wishes? I have cajoled and pleaded with the Universe to bring me luck but it did not yield to me. Saw the brook near to my home murmuring softly. I am feeling so contented with my life. Today the children faced the examination—2019 boards for Geography and I am feeling relieved that they apparently wrote it well. I have to cut down on my smoking as my erection is affected. Why not kill the habit of smoking? I didn’t have much luck at the windfalls. Colors scattered across the sky like a romantic mask. The sky became a beautiful poem of impressionism. I watched the sun, a beautiful ball of orange light the firmament. What is the meaning of life? Does it lie in Philosophy? Is happiness the realm of material wealth? To be having a lot of money is good. Money is needed for my journeys abroad and for my writing. How much I long to write travelogues. When will good fortune come into my life? Patience is an agonizing wretch. When will I make love to all the women that have come into my life? When? I want to apologize to my significant other, a Filipino for being cold to her. She is a precious gift that has come into my life. Why can’t I live a life of poetic ecstasy? Yes the meaning of life lies in a poem. The meaning of life is an art. Living is existential music. Time is the giver of all sweet things in life. I no longer brood of the past, nor hope for the future but I live a life of a contented present. Am I the maker of my existence? I have started reading the Bible again and I am reading the gospel of Mathew. Jesus is a beautiful soul—a God who lived on this earth a person so refined and so immaculate. I love the beatitudes: ‘Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth’ I have to stop reading astrological columns. They are speaking all lies, all lies. I am so sinfully addicted to them. I am thankful to God each day for giving me the experience to live. Jesus may your name be adored, glorified and venerated. In the morning I went to the hotel and had Appams (a dish made of rice) and egg curry. It was so tasty. Today I bought the lottery ticket with the numbers 0999. I hope to win at least 5000 Rupees for each ticket. I went to Perampara in Trichur to pick my son from the Heal Autism School. My son has become thin as a stick. I don’t want to send him back but my wife is insisting. I also miss my daughter doing a dental science in a college faraway. I am thankful for the two children that God has given me. What is the meaning of fiction? Character is the imagination of existential experience. Situations are the encounters in catharsis. Emotions are the angst or ecstasy. Every situation has a life to tell. Form is the Ego of writing and style the content. Fiction is beautiful poetry of the heart. No amount of storytelling is finished. Every word opens up new textures of interpretation. In fiction we encounter the beautiful and the ugly. Modern fiction has less of storytelling. Story telling is ancestral property. Postmodernism plays a lot of importance for the development of tropes. Tropes are an aesthetic ornament. It is not easy to ornament a novel with tropes. I have been on dating sites for long. I haven’t been able to develop a single healthy relationship. I have also tried dating in Facebook but it has not worked. I am wondering what I can do to appease God to grant me a favor to win a windfall. Money is needed for the good things in life. I respect money. I don’t know why I have to be poor. I want to globe trot and write many narratives of the world. Writing is my mission in life. One lottery win and I will able to all things that I want. Making love is the highest form of art and its sheer music. Yes love making is an opera, a golden twilight. I am wondering how I can be a body soul and spirit. Isn’t it God’s marvel? I marvel at Christ who said: ‘I am the way: the truth: and the life and whosoever believes in me will have everlasting life’. Lord I thank you for the saving the life of my son. You have been kind and gracious to me. I have put my whole trust and hope in you. I ask you to lay the foundations of my life. Lord I pray to you that each day you will give me new experiences in life and I also ask you to make me a writer.

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