I am a poem that is unfinished. I am a journal that is half baked. I am a haiku that is erotic. I am an art that is symbolic as a cluster of stars. I woke up at 9 in the morning. I can’t get sleep without sleeping pills. My bipolar disorder creates mood swings in me. The rooster Greenie came near me and I petted it fondly. I remember Anu, my adulterous lover. I went to her house early in the morning. Her husband was out and her daughter was sleeping. I enjoyed doing the poetic cunnilingus. I failed to get an erection. I don’t know why? I was tense and nervous. Another time she called me to come at 10 0’ clock in the night. When my journey reached half way I turned back. Guilt and conscience about cheating my wife overwhelmed me. Saw black cat with green eyes slinking across the meadow. Writing is a form of therapeutic art. Existentialism created the consciousness of the self. Postmodernism disintegrated the self into binary concoctions of meaning. Tropes move across the sky as yachts. I try to live a poetic life. I am happy that I am able to write my experiences of life. I read the Bible in the morning. I was reading Isaac’s story. Isaac had two sons Jacob and Esau. Rebecca his wife connived and used Jacob by sticking goat’s hair on his hands and giving good meat to the blind Isaac and snatched the blessing that was meant for Esau. I ponder on God’s preferential attitude. The Bible is an interesting book to read. The characters in the Bible are not perfect. Perfection is left to God. I wonder why Cain murdered his brother Abel. I hope I can win a windfall today. I need to bring my son Joshua back from the autistic boarding school. I remember my dead father a lot. He was a history teacher. He exposed me to Western Philosophy, music and literature. Without him I would have been a village donkey. What I am I? I am the many women that I’ve loved…the many places that I have been. I am a writing self. I remember my office mate Anita. I met her recently. She said that she is staying alone. I was sexually attracted to her. Thinking that it was opportune, I asked her whether I can come to her home. She gave me a blunt reply: come with the family. I regret the opportunity that I missed. The novel lives in the life of existential meaning. Art is a live witch that serenades words to meaning. I love to be possessed with the meaning of life. What is consciousness? One can only ponder its meaning mystically. Time grows out the weed of meaning. Each day of my life is a poetic metaphor. Being is a metaphor of music. Love flows through my soul. King David was a poet of praise and worship. Lord, you are so magnificent, so holy so pure; I worship you in adoration. From existential nihilistic atheism, I have become born again into an existential believer. The irony of engaging with meaning is metaphor to overcome the shortcomings of life. Kafka I have found in you a poet of art of the novel. My soul—mystical, beatific, profound, philosophical, forms a transcendental picture. Every day is a celebration of life. I am in the novel of writing. Consciousness is time floating on the wings of being. My significant other was in Kuala Lumpur for attending a conference. She invited me. But alas fate bound in chains did not allow me to visit her and make love to her as I did not have the money to buy the tickets. She is a passionate lover. I am fond of the meaning of labyrinth. Borges was a connoisseur of writing labyrinthine stories. The Garden of Forking Paths is a memorable story. The time of being to the time of becoming is an eclectic syncretism of self realization. I ponder on the meaning of Rodin’s Thinker. Why is the thinker so stiff necked? One can’t be intellectual all the time. One needs to be passionate and mystical. The seed of hope is planted in the soil of expectation and one day it will churn out the fruits of victory. It’s always a mystery as to why some symbols attain an occult meaning. Symbols are empty signs. Meaning of language is always symbolic. The Waste Land by T S Eliot is a symbolic machine laden with irony of colossal destruction of the self. Narcissism is infused into the consciousness of the self. Are we heading for an era of decadent literature? Sexual libertinism is opening new doors of thinking. But I think that it is Biblically incorrect. Liberation theologians attribute a Marxian picture of Christianity. For them the Kingdom of God is social justice and equality. Is this a correct version of Christianity? Marxism secularized Christianity. But the Bible clearly tells that the Kingdom of God is open to the persons whose names are written in the book of life. One should not politicize Christianity. The self has to attain a Godly transcendence. God is my name written in the Book of Life? Transcendence is a consciousness of divine revelation. Time is a beatific conceptuality of Christ. The soul is a given gift of God. Being is actualized in the soul. Sin has been cleansed by the crucifixion of Christ. What a sacrifice it was? Eternity lives ahead of us. The lamb that was slain was without blemish. Fame and money are not the ultimate possessions. Life has a more profound meaning of existence.
Woke up early morn …read the Bible. Actually I am reading a version of the Bible called the Message; it’s an idiomatic one. I read about Sodom and Gomorrah. God did punish those people cruelly for sexual vices, raining fire and brim stone. God did advise Lot and his family to run and not to turn back. Lot’s wife turned back and was changed into a pillar of salt. I read about Abraham getting a son from Sarah. Ishmael begotten from Hagar the maid was also Abraham’s son. Sarah had Abraham turned them out of the house. The Lord was kind and merciful with Hagar and said that he will beget a great nation from Ishmael. Are the problems ravaging the Middle East born out of Sarah’s desire for Abraham to sleep with Hagar? The Middle East became separated into two races. Both races claim Abraham as their legitimate ancestor. I recall the command issued by Jehovah to Abraham to sacrifice his son at mount Horeb. Abraham was faithful and obedient to God’s Word. God honored Abraham and at the last moment told him to sacrifice a ram caught amongst the bramble of a tree. It’s good to remember that we belong to the chosen people and God’s covenant with us bequeaths a promise to be in the chosen land. I took two classes today. One was a substitution. I entertained the kids with new words. The other was Geography. The kids were enthused with analysis of population pyramids. I was able to coin some Haikus. I am happy that more and more bloggers are liking my writing. I thought that I will get a windfall today but luck became a morose dog yielding not a penny. I became thoughtful wondering of God’s promises. It is said in the psalms that ‘God will gift you with finest of wheat.’ I started wondering of the 1 dollar bill in my pocket. I started analyzing the strange occult symbolism of the all Seeing Eye and the Unfinished Pyramid. And then I pondered on the words written above: ‘We trust in God’. I wondered which God. The 1 $ Bill is littered with Masonic Symbolism. I am not living in the USA and I have no need of it. God told me tear the 1$ Bill into shreds. God speaks to me intuitively. I have obeyed God’s command. I hope that God will bless me. Last Sunday I had 1200 Rupees in my pocket all from a windfall. Since my wife was away I was contemplating on buying a bottle of rum and getting sloshed. At 10 0’ clock I went to the Bar and they said that it will open only at 11. What to do? I went to the church and attended the service. I also gave a testimony about my Uncle who in his book: ‘Competing Fundamentalisms’ and in it he wants to equate Christianity with Jihad and Hindu extremism. I wrote a review of the book saying that I would like to disagree with the author as there’s has not been a single instance of terror related Christianity in the 21st century. He replied back saying: ‘Anand, your desire to save Christianity is misguided, a-historical and incorrect. I ironically ruminate as to why he teaches theology? Is the Bible worth only as piece of Literature? God humbles to wise and pours wisdom out of the mouth of Babes. Is proselytization of the world into Christianity a crime? Jesus said: ‘yea shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.’ He also said that: ‘I am the way: the truth: and the life’. The aim of Christianity is to win souls and not battles. Christianity is very inclusive in American social, cultural and political life and that’s not a crime. Yoga day was celebrated throughout the world. I have serious misgivings about the occult and spiritual leanings of Yoga. Yoga more than physical exercise worships the serpent and the son God. Yoga is a form of paganish idolatry. God, Christ has started speaking to me in subtle subliminal voice. Yes, God I have obeyed your commands and I have torn the 1$ Bill into shreds. God, fill my purse to the brim. Let it never be empty. My wife has been cruel to admit my only one and dear Son Joshua in an autistic boarding school. When we went to visit him, we took him out for lunch. He gobbled the chicken pieces spread out for him. He has become famished and thin. The school is run by Catholics. When I went there I noticed a curious contradiction. There is a sculpture of Krishna in the office and outside there’s a grotto of Mary. What an irony of paganism? I remember God’s command: do not yoke yourself with unbelievers. While we were visiting him as soon as we were about to leave, he hugged us crying. From that day onwards my mind became unsettled. I looked into the Bible asking God whether I should bring him back. The verse I got was: ‘look what they teach: they teach utter things’. He would be happier at home and I can teach him. I don’t understand my wife’s concept of discipline. Yes, I want to bring him back. I don’t have the money and I’ve asked the Lord to provide it. My son is only mildly autistic. With some support, he can become self-reliant and independent. I dread every passing day of his life in that dreaded pagan school. Sometimes my wife thinks that I am a pagan. But I wonder who is really a pagan. I have given up tippling. I smoke a lot. I am wanting to get rid of that too. Lord, Jesus help me get rid of smoking. Tomorrow might be a good day. I don’t want to do anything that is disagreeable to God. Sometimes I feel that I should have been born in America. I feel sorry for being an Indian. Yes, I want to merge with Black Gospel Churches and Black theology. They are the heart and soul of life. Saw raven swoop down swiftly and pick a piece of fish from the fish rack and fly off. Is that not ravenish poetry!
Papa, you teacher—/
You showed the beauty of life/
Now fond memories/
On wings, mystical and angelic/
You beauty’s stained glass/
Spread the sky; birds float/
Singing hymns; a bard rhymes it/
As thoughts of wonder/