Oct 18th 2017

Feel like a worm of the Universe, feel, like dust…feel worthless, feel negated…suffer from existential nausea…feel deflated. Got a good paying, teaching job in Cambodia worth 1000$. But I am in the poverty of meeting travel and visa funds. I listened to a lot of self motivational thoughts about attracting positive vibrations of the Universe. But they yielded to nothing. I was not even able to win a single lottery prize. Folks at my home are also not willing to help me. I hopes are sunk and my ego is devastated. I do not know how life will go on. I even turned to the Devil and wrote poetry of praise for him. But all my efforts became futile. The Devil does not dance to the whims and fancies of man. I consider myself as a failed writer. But the ambition to write is a passion. Why does not the universe vibrate positively for me? I look for signs from the sky. I have seen many V’s. I read them as a sign of victory. Am I meant to be disastrous failure? Why is the myth of Sisyphus recurring in my life? My consciousness is a cigarette but trashed in the ashtray. I am feeling so lonesome in my life. My lovers seem to have deserted me. Should I turn to Christ? Or should I soak my own sorrows in existential dread. I contemplate suicide. Get drunk and take some poison. May be there are sunnier days to come. May be there’s poetry to the meaning of life. Yes, life is Camus’ the absurd. I am handed a job in a platter and yet I can’t take it. Why does this happen to me? Instead of being a worm of the universe why can’t I be a glow worm. I am fed up of quacks, astrologers and psychics. I can’t bear to face the torment of my own angst. Yes, Sartre says that we should existentially be responsible for the actions we take. But I can’t? Why God Christ have you forsaken me. ELOI ELOI LAMA SABACHITNAI? Why oh God have you forsaken me? For being a writer, I need to travel and see the world. Motivational speakers have crippled my life. I was taken by a ride by my girl friend in Texas who said she sent documents pertaining to her house for me to sell. Then she asked me to write to the courier company and they asked me shelve out 850$. To my sad fate, I realized it was a scam. To think of the poetry I have written for her. All for the meaning of love and in the end fate put its chains and I realized that I was duped. I feel sad that my Whatsapp girl friend is online but she is not texting me. Is there a true God? Or has religion evolved and become textual after being animistic. My Christian faith is so wavering. Yes, I love Christ more than anything else. I feel so sorry to have turned to the Devil. Is there a Philosophy in the world that will explain my life’s existence? When can I evolve the true essence of writing? I can’t mediate. I spent sleepless nights having restless dreams. Has the passion for life gone out of me? Why do I have to dance to the wishes of wife and mother? I hate them both. They won’t shell out the dough to reach Cambodia. Where will I turn to help? I am praying to my dead father please help me. It’s after so many years that I am getting a job. Why is fate being a cruel storm?

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